Ingredients
3 lg cans HUNTS tomato sauce
2 bulbs garlic
Crushed Oregano
2 lg Sweet onions
2 bags FRESH Crushed red pepper (in the section where all the Mexican spices are in little packets/baggies)
Long rain White Rice (uncle Bens is good, or Mahatma. NOT JASMINE)
4 sm cans El Pato Salsa de Chile Fresco
4-5 Avocados (might as well make some guac for the cooks)
5 or 6 large Turkey tins
6 LG cans Sun Vista Beans (soaking beans overnight is for beaners)
4 DOZ Guerrero White corn tortillas (ONLY Guerrero! and the small ones are best)
5 Doz Flour Tortillas (for making Grandpa Burritos w/ leftovers)
Sour Creme (Hampshire ONLY!)
5 lbs Pork Butt/shoulder/whatevers-on-sale (Chile Con Carne)
20 lbs Pork Butt/shoulder/whatevers-on-sale (Tamales)
30 lbs Masa Preparada (from Cardenas)
2 bags Hojas (200+ premium ones! Everyone will hate you if you get the cheap ones)
2 LG Cans (28oz) Las Palmas Red Chile Sauce (NOT enchilada sauce!)
2 Bags New Mexico or California Chiles, whole
1 Case Pacifico
750ml Herradura Tequila
Limes
This cost about $250 on 11/16/2016
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TAMALES
Day 1. MEAT
Start with a ceremonial shot of Cazadores. And have a cold Pacifico on hand. Shit's about to get real. In large stew pots, half full of boiling water, distibute 20 lbs of Pork. I cube them up in about 2" cubes. You don't want super long strings of meat. In each pot, add 1/2 onion, 5 lg cloves of garlic (don't be scared, homie!), and maybe a Tablespoon of salt (getting that right is hard. I always think to myself, "If I was gonna eat that meat right now, how much salt would I have to put on it?" Some extrapolation may be in order. Pork needs a LOT OF SALT (note: I used a TBSP in each of the three pots that I was making. After it was cooked, I tasted it and it wasn't enough, so I added another two TBSP into the red chili sauce). And Pepper. A lot. And a whole bag of Crushed Red Pepper. Unless there will be kids involved. Then a half bag. Also, for extra flavor depth, maybe a small can of El Pato in each pot. Then top off with water until all meat is submerged. Boil and simmer for like FOUR HOURS. Until it falls apart when you stir.
While the meat is boiling, make Red Chile Sauce
If you are sensitive, like my wife who is Asian, leave the room during this whole step. And open windows and turn on the fan. Wash New Mexico Chiles. Do it by hand, under running water as hot as you can stand. Cut the top off, stick your finger in it (stop it...), split them down the side with a finger and rub the dirty dirt from inside till they're clean and less slimy. Get rid of stem area and seeds.
In a frying pan with, say, olive oil, or maybe a non-stick pan with no oil, and using a bean masher to hold them flat, sear each side on med/high heat for only a few seconds. Say 10 seconds each side. There's a term for this... blanching? It releases the "soul" of the pepper and imparts a taste you can't get out of a can, as far as I know. This is the secret, really. A tamale is supposed to have a bit of an "earthen" taste. I was told once that my method is too clean and will taste sterile and I shouldn't clean the peppers so well. There is DIRT in there and I'm gonna clean them! Set aside in a bowl.
In a good blender, put one Lg can Las Pamas sauce and about half of the seared chiles and blend the shit out of it. If it seems too thick and won't blend, add a ladle of pork broth. Do it again with the other half of the chiles and can. Put it in a tupperware (a pitcher is good, you will be pouring a bit out 6 or 7 times) and set aside.
3 hours later
Once the meat is done, spoon it out into a turkey tin (hopefully it all fits in one), and let it cool a bit in open air. Maybe two tins is better so you can spoon it around to cool faster. While it is cooling, strain all three pots of broth through a collander, keeping the last quart/half gallon or so AND ALL the contents of the collander (onion, garlic, pepper, meat scraps, all the good stuff!). The contents of the collander should be added back to the meat somehow, so just dump it on top of the meat. I don't know what to do with the rest of the pork broth, and it seems like a waste to just pour it in a gopher hole, but there will be a few gallons of it left, sooo, do with it what ye will. Once the meat is cool enough (if not, you'll know in a minute!), mix in all but about 12oz of the red chile sauce you made earlier (the last 12 oz or so will be added to the masa later, a bit at a time). Mix it up real good, shredding the meat in the process. Don't be a baby, just do it with your hands. Wear gloves if you're sensitive but its way faster and more thorough. Trust. Let it cool for a few hours, then saran wrap and put in fridge for the next day. You can put it in the fridge earlier but it will heat up the whole fridge. I have left it on the counter with tin foil on it overnight from about 10pm to about 6am and it was still warm... Considering these will be steamed once or twice, that's ok. Clean up your mess because tomorrow will be a big day and it's depressing to wake up with a dirty kitchen.
Day 2. Rolling
We use Jennifer's awesome Kitchenaid Mixer for this. She fills the bowl almost full with Masa Preparada, adds about 3 TBSP of the red Chili sauce (from yesterday) and a bit (as needed) of pork broth (also from the day before) and mixes it up. The proportions here are to-taste. I like a little red in my masa. Not a lot, I just don't like it soooo white. And the flavor it adds, along with the pork broth, is important. Also, the main purpose of this is to get it to the right consistency for spreading on the hojas, so you kinda have to get a feel for it. And it also depends on the consistency of the masa as you bought it. Sometimes it comes really greasy and you don't want to add ANY broth to it because then everything will be really greasy.
So, set up your table for an efficient work area. This also takes some dialing in... and experience. You need a LOT of room for one tray of meat, one bowl of masa, one tray of hojas AND one empty tray for rolled tamales. Getting all that AND a cutting board for each person to roll on is a trick. Especially when you factor in the room needed for Pacifico bottles, you can see how quickly you run out of room. Also, it get's annoying real quick if each person can't really reach each tray of ingredients. But anyways, at this point, take one hoja, spread masa about 1/4" thick (no more!) on it, stay away from the bottom (pointy end) about two inches, put about one heaping tablespoon of meat in the middle, roll it up, fold the end over, tie it if you want, and jump on the next one. Oh yeah, and HURRY UP! Chuey's hungry, and his eyes are glassy already. We got about 200 of these to do and they ain't gonna roll themselves!
Once you have about 60 of them in a tray, you can steam them in an outdoor propane burner/steamer combo pretty painlessly. I have experimented quite a bit with this... multiple layers, seperators, etc. I think it's best to just do one layer, all standing upright, not too tightly packed, and it will behoove the shit out of you to leave a spot in the middle clear enough to see through one of the holes with a flashlight. This is to monitor the water level, which should come up to the bottom of the platorm thingy with all the holes in it. I have also done one layer with a brick in the middle (clean the brick, first, man!) to support a second platform. It worked, but I had to guess the water level. If you put in too much water it's bad. I don't know what will happen, but I've been told it's bad. Maybe it will start a chain reaction that will bring about the next apocalypse. Just don't do it. Also, NEVER let the water get too low or you will cry. They will ALL taste burned and your reputation will be forever tarnished. Chuey will find somewhere else to be next year, but maybe it will be worth it?
I like to have the water boiling when I start laying them in the steamer, that way when I'm done and put the lid on I can start the timer. If the water is boiling, there is no need to have the burner on high. Turn it down to, say, medium low. As long as it is making steam, there is no reason to boil all the water away too quickly. Put the top on, and set the timer for 30 min. When it beeps, check the water level, and set the timer for another 30 min. It's a good idea to have a large saucepan full of water and boiling at the 1 hour mark, so if you have to add water, you won't mess up the schedule by adding cold water and waiting for it to boil. I have made MANY mistakes here, but the key is to have the steamer full of water up to the grate, no more. This is usually about 1.5" of water. If you get it boiling, then turn the burner down to about medium-low, THEN add the tamales, that 1.5" of water should last 1.5 hours. If you have to add more water, pour it down the side, or in the clear area in the middle, or use a funnel. DO NOT pour it all over the tamales. It makes them mushy.
A note on how to tell when they are done: I SWEAR that tamales are NEVER as good as they are the next day after getting microwaved. I suspect that the flavor doesn't travel through the masa when it is wet, only when it is like bread. But that is the exact minute that you are yanking them out of the steamer! Also, I swear that there may be NO DIFFERENCE between 1 hour and 3 hours of steaming. The problem here is that we are using a propane burner with a crude valve, outside in the wind, and there is NO WAY to make sure you are providing the same BTU's of heat from one batch to the next. Anyways, they will not look ready when you take them out after 1.5 hours. Just know that if you are providing steam and enough time, they will finish. But if you must, open one up, all the way up, on a plate. It will look wet, rubbery, and NOT DONE. Let it sit for 5 minutes, or until it dries up. It will look better. The Masa will probably be bland tasting. This is because of what I said above about the flavor not being allowed to travel in such a wet environment. Trust me, tomorrow you will nuke a few and SWEAR they taste totally different!
Anyways, put them all on a tray to cool, pop a Pacifico, then go crazy, or bag 'em up for the fridge or freezer. By this point you should be a bout 3.5 sheets to the wind, the entire kitchen will be destroyed, Uncle Chuey will be passed out on the front porch with his pants down, the neighbors will be pissed, and your wife is calling her lawyer. If you did it right, that is.
Chile Con Carne
Oh... I almost forgot about the Chile Con Carne and Rice...
So, if you want to kick the whole thing up another couple notches and feed everyone while they are rolling tamales, do this about 2 hours before they show up. And to make sure there is enough time, you should tell everyone to show up at noon.
Dice up about 5lbs of pork. Like, really, the size of dice. Throw it all in a stew pot on high and stir it occasionally. Add about a tablespoon of salt and a maybe the same amount of black pepper. Also, get a large saucepan of water boiling on the side. Once it starts to look like you would totally pop one of those tasty morsels in your mouth, maybe 15 minutes later, add about 6 fat cloves of garlic, pressed or minced... whatever. Again, don't be scared, homie! It's wintertime and your immune system could use a boost! Stir it up and dump in the boiling water from the saucepan. Stir again, and add about a tablespoon of crushed Oregano and two tablespoons of crushed red pepper. If you're feeling scrappy, double the pepper. I think you did it wrong if you are not sweating while you are eating it. Never use too much oregano or it will start tasting like Italian food. Also, add a small can of tomato sauce, and a small can of El Pato tomato sauce, for depth. You just want the liquid to have a red tint. We're not making spaghetti sauce, man. Stir it up and leave it on medium heat. You can put a lid on it, but make sure to crack the vent open. We are trying to reduce it down a bit and it will be simmering like this for at least an hour. If you have more time, put it on low and leave it for 3 hours. It's even better like that. Put it on the back burner and forget about it.
Rice
So, it should be about 11am by this point, which is beer-thirty, somewhere. Time to make the rice.
I have been making rice for 30 years and I feel like a golfer that has lost his swing. I fail about half of the time so my wife usually does it. She's like, Asian, y'know?
So, I have an AWESOME cast iron pot with a lid that I use for this. It's a Griswold, and I've had it since about 1994. I had two, but my sister stole one of them... You really should use a deep, thick-bottomed pan with a tight-fitting lid... it needs to hold heat for 40 minutes or so with no burner on. I don't know how to do this any other way, and I am open to suggestions. Anyways, put a saucepan with one small can (1 cup) tomato sauce, one small can (another cup) of El Pato, and two cups of water on to simmer. That's 4 cups liquid total, because we will be using 2 cups of rice. Get your rice pan, put a little oil in it... maybe a TBSP? The trick is to have it where once you put the rice in and move it all around, the rice is shiny with oil but there is no puddles anywhere. If you put in too much, soak it up with a paper towel. Turn the heat on high, grab a beer and your phone because you will be babysitting this for at least 15 minutes. When Uncle Chuey calls to ask what to bring even though he's just gonna bring beer anyways, you can't be getting distracted. So, dump in 2 cups of rice, move it around slowly with a flat wooden spatula, spread it evenly, and take a sip of beer. Just one, though, because you have to move the rice around already! Do it slowly so it doesn't get beat up. The point here is to toast the rice so that hopefully 99% of it will be a rich brown color. Not black, drunk-ass! Look at it closely: every one of those whiter ones will crunch later when you eat it. Just keep moving it around until there are no more white ones. That means, like, every 15 seconds you should be moving it around. You might also have to add more oil if the pan starts looking dry. Right around when you think it's done, you can add about a teaspoon of salt, some pepper, and garlic, and about a quarter of an onion, chopped large. Stir it all in, wait until the onions start sweating, call your accomplice, if you have one, or else this will get messy. You have to dump that saucepan with the simmering, watered-down tomato sauce in there. It will not be happy. It will bubble and spit and cause all-kinds of havoc, and that is why it helps to have someone with the lid in hand to quash the whole riot. Give it about a minute and remove the lid. With the same wooden spatula, get under the rice and make sure it is not sticking. I don't want to say "stir" the rice because if you do that too much it will be sticky.
So, here's the part where I usually fail. Once all the ingredients are in there, and it's bubbling, turn it down low. You will need to stir often, but do it slow! Really you are just "lifting" the rice off the bottom so it doesn't stick. This is why you need a flat wooden spatula, or any spatula, I guess. Just keep it from sticking, and do it about every minute at first because cast iron holds a LOT of heat and it will still be hotter than the liquid. Finally you can take a bit of a break. Use this time to clean up your mess, flojo. And look around carefully, because it is very likely that you opened a Pacifico, took a sip, got distracted, and set it down somewhere and it is getting WARM! My dad said something about simmering the rice on med-low heat until the rice starts peeking through the water. But using the old Asian rule of a two-to-one ratio of water to rice, the rice is already peeking through when you begin... so, maybe it is two water-to-one rice PLUS the tomato sauce? We're making rice not doing math, man. Anyhow, I end up with soggy rice... So, back to where all the ingredients are in, it is simmering, and the rice is peeking through the water, it is time to put the heavy cast iron lid on it, wait about 5 minutes, stir again, and hopefully the lid is nice and hot by now and you can turn the heat off and LET IT SIT with the lid on. For 40 minutes! Don't peek. It needs to use the heat retained in the cast iron to slowly let the liquid absorb into the rice, and if everything is done right, the rice will explode, or open up, and the water will be gone and it will be fluffy and amazing. But that hasn't happened for me in a long time. Close, but not awesome.
To be continued...
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Update 12/8/2017
two bags of hojas
two 16oz bags of New Mexico chiles
two large 28 oz cans of Las Palmas Red Chile sauce
20lbs Pork
30lbs Masa
Had about a softball sized bit of masa left over
Made 200 tamales
Started steaming 60 tamales (1 layer) @ 7:30 pm, done in 1.75 hours
Next batch began at 9:45, done in 1.5 hours
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Update 11/25/2017
One bag of hojas
One 16oz bag of New Mexico chiles
One large 28 oz can of Las Palmas Red Chile sauce
8.6lbs Pork
15lbs Masa
Had about XXX of masa left over
Made XXX tamales
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